Sunday, May 28, 2017

Don't Wain Until It's Too Late

I don't know how to write what I am feeling tonight. For those of you that struggle with porn and/or sex addiction please hear the message from these words.

Not long ago I had everything that a man could want. I was married to the most beautiful woman in the world, we had four amazing kids, a nice house with a big yard, friends that truly loved and supported me, and a ward a ward where I thought I could see myself being for the rest of my life.  Life wasn't perfect, I struggled to grow my businesses to the point where I wanted them to be, and my oldest son has a terminal illness which as been really hard on our family.

Here is a little about my oldest son and one of the adventures that I got to go on with him two years go.

Because I was too prideful and stubborn I failed to listen to the warning cries of my wife. She told me for years what my addiction was doing to her, to me and our family.  She warned me that I needed help and that this was something I could not fight alone. Why didn't I listen to her? Things could be be so different today.

Instead of listening to her I would convince her that it wasn't that bad, and that I would never look at pornography again. I told her I was strong and could beat this on my own. Why didn't I listen to her?

Do you know what I miss the most? I miss laughing with my best friend, and falling asleep holding her so close I could feel her heart beat. I miss tucking the kids in, I miss seeing their smiles and hearing about their favorite and worst parts if the day. I would give the world to be able to read them a book or hold them in my arms just one more time.

Why didn't I listen to her when all she wanted was to help me find happiness.

I beg you to take this as a warning. What you have can all be lost if you don't get help now. I promise you that you cannot fight this alone. Do wait until it's too late, don't be like me. Go to your Heavenly Father and get on your knees and tell Him how grateful you are for your family and ask Him for courage so you can get help. Let my losses and my pain be your guide and learn from it. 😢💔

The first time I went to get help was I was on a phone call with my therapist and really good friend, and he knew I was struggling to find peace. He told me that he has done everything in his power to help me but whatever it was in my past that was holding me back, I needed to go talk to the bishop.  I immediately felt the spirit come over me as I listened to his advice.  I knew what he was saying was the next step in my life and one that I should have taken a decade ago.

Fast forward a week and I am now sitting in my bishop's office.  He expresses to me how much he cares and loves me and then asked me what was on my mind.  With fear and hesitation I sat in that chair in front of his desk and nothing came out.  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, then as I breathed out, I explained to my bishop my problem with pornography and how it has been a problem for most of my adult life.  I explained to him the work I was doing with my therapist and how much it had helped me.  My bishop with love told me how proud he was of me for coming to him and having the courage to talk to him. We knelt down together in prayer, he have me a big hug and I left.  I got to my truck, and it felt like I was being pulled out of the truck and being told to get my ass back in there and tell him EVERYTHING.   Are you serious? Everything? I jumped out of my truck, and walked back into the bishops office but this time, I told him that I had more to tell him and that I hadn't told him the full truth.  I sat down and started to tell him more about my past, but fear came over me, I was terrified, I started to cry.  I felt like I was spinning out of control, because I was so scared of what the truth would mean.  Here was one of the my personal most disappointing moments in my life was what happened here.  I did tell the bishop what I was suppose to tell him, I told him how sorry I was and how bad I felt, but I minimized the event. I had been living in this lie for so much of my life that I started to convince myself of the lies I had been telling.  Yes, I did tell the bishop the truth, but I failed to be honest with myself and instead I minimized my actions and that was a mistake that I will regret forever.

Over the next couple weeks, sure I was glad that I did what I did, but I remember some of the arguments I had with my best friend, and I would tell her how much God hated me and that even after I confessed to the bishop, I still didn't feel free.  That is what I believed. I didn't recognize just yet that I had minimized my confession to the bishop. I told him the exact same story that I had told my best friend.  The reason I didn't feel that sense of freedom that so many people talk about after they have repented of something that has been holding them back, was because I wasn't fully truthful, like I said earlier - I was minimizing the past and that was going to hold me back.

It wasn't until months later when I was ready to finally tell the truth and fully accept the consequences of my actions.  I had to go through hell and back until I was ready to drop my pride and take a good look at the mess I had caused.

I share this with you so that as you prepare your mind and spirit to go talk with your bishop or stake president, that you be braver than me.  Go in there with a fast and prayer, and be prepared to tell the full truth and I do mean the full truth. When it comes to being free of your past and repenting of the mistakes you have made, don't do it half-assed.  Be the man / woman you family needs and get things taken care of the way they should be.

#sundaywillcome #yournotalone #fightagainstporn #changeishard #dontgivein #hope #faithful #lds

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