Monday, June 5, 2017

The Destruction Path - Will the Pain Ever End?

I need to be honest with you tonight, if you are going through #betrayalTrauma as the victim or the like me, the one that caused the betrayal.  There are going to be moments during your healing where things feel like you might just make it, that there is hope and that one day you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. But there is more to the picture that the hope and the peaceful side of things.  There is the side that paints the truth about the pain you have cause. The side that shows the many lives that were effected by your decision to indulge in your fantasies and hide your sexual addictions.  The truth is, when you live that secret life, you are slowly but surely ripping apart the lives of those you love the most and you wont even know it until it is too late.

I haven't seen my home or my family for nearly six months, and still six months later I find myself learning more about the path of destruction I left behind. For a lot of it, I think my best friend has kept it from me in order to protect me, but everyone once in a while, she shares with me what is going on at home and how hard it is for them to keep strong. And along with that is I get to feel a glimpse of the pain that she was left with alone.  Please understand, she doesn't do this to hurt me, but to help me better understand the impact of the decisions I made.  

Think of your addiction and behavior like a huge tornado that goes through town.  Everything in its path is torn to pieces and completely destroyed.   Your sexual addictions and behaviors have the same affect in your life.  Except that the destruction will go on for years and years, and you wont even see the damage until you are ready to.  Once you are able to start to see the destruction you caused, I hope you can be humble about it, and truly feel remorse for what you have done.  I know it's hard because it is really hard for me.  I do feel terrible for what I have done, I would take all the pain I have caused my family and I would shoulder it all if I could.  I want more than anything to free my best friend and my kids from the effects of my actions, but I can't.  It's like asking the tornado to go back and fix the homes that it destroyed.  You can't be a part of your families healing when you are the one that broke them. This single point has been the one thing that has brought more tears and more prayers than anything I have experienced or felt.  I feel that I am the one that is responsible for my families pain, so I should be there for them and it tears me a part when I can't.  All I can do it some how get up tomorrow morning, dry my eyes and find ways to be strong so that I can keep trying to become a better person and continuing the long journey of my repentance.

The hardest part of this journey is knowing that it is too late for my happy family and no matter what I say, no matter how many times I apologize, nothing I can do can fix our marriage and our family.  In fact, just a few months ago I  had a chance to work on our reunification, but I wasn't ready and now that chance has passed and... I know that I will be accountable for every tear I have caused my family to cry.

I am so sorry for hurting you. I am sorry that I can't be there for you any more, to be that shoulder for you to cry on or to help you through these times. I am sorry that you have been left alone to deal with my mess.  I would gladly give anything including my life it meant being able to take these burdens from you.

I am sorry that I took away your hope for happiness in our marriage. I know that you always dreamed of being with a loving man, and raising a perfect family together.  I am so sorry that I took those dreams away when it was within my power to make them come true.  I am sorry that I wasn't able to love you enough and that I made you feel inadequate.  The truth is, you were the perfect wife for me. You loved me unconditionally, you tried for years to help me see my problems, you saw my weaknesses and still loved me.  The truth is, you were enough - you always where, it was me that wasn't enough for you.  I should have listened to your warnings of love, I should have kept my promises to stop and get help.  I should have been more dedicated to making sure that the spirit always remained in our relationship, in our home and with our family.  I am sorry that I forgot my temple covenants, and that I failed to take you back to the temple regularly to renew our promised we made together. I am so that I allowed myself to forget those promised.

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