Monday, May 29, 2017

Living a Secret Life

I know there are a lot of men, husbands and fathers and even women out there that are living a secret second life. I know this because for the most part of my marriage, I did. I hid my secrets behind closed doors, and when I got caught and my wife would beg me to stop, I would... well I wanted to with all my heart. And when I would stop, I would be strong, my relationships with my kids and wife would be wonderful. Eventually life would catch up with me and certain triggers would cause me to start downward spiraling, slowly at first but before I knew it, I was turning to pornography to help me cope with my stresses, and the whole process would start over again, and again, and again.

Each time I would end up hurting my wife more and more and I never saw it or at least I refused to. I remember some of our fights and she would tell me what my addiction is was doing to her and how it was affecting her. All she wanted from me was to love HER and put HER first in my life. But I didn't, instead of being able to be there for her, or having the courage to change, I would end up feeling guilty and shame. All I could see was the pain I was causing and felt sorry for myself. All she wanted was to know how much I loved her, she wanted to feel special, prized, loved. But I was so caught up with myself that I couldn't be there for her.

If you are hiding your habits like I did, take a moment to feel the pain and the hurt you are causing. Try to understand how my wife felt and many others out there that are living with the consequences of #betrayaltrauma.

One of the first things I did was find someone that helped me identify my triggers. My triggers that caused me to turn to porn were feeling unprepared and like a failure. Understanding that was the first huge step in my journey.

The LDS 12 Steps to Addiction Recovery Program was another that helped a lot and writing in a journal every day. In fact, I really hate sharing this but it is a part of my story, but for me, hitting rock bottom was when I was thrown into jail right before Christmas and all I had was the Book Of Mormon, my journal, my 12 ARP and a few good Louis L'Amour books. Yes, I did spend some time in jail and missed Christmas.

Being in jail was a very frightening time for me. I have never been in jail, the most trouble I had ever been in with the law was when my beautiful malamute bit a neighbors goat, and I was given a 2nd degree misdemeanor for allowing my dog to be out unsupervised.  It was my responsibility and had I known that the kids left the gate open, I would have been out there looking for her.  But that was it as far as my troubles with the law, now I was in jail, with no idea when I was ever going to be let out. Maybe I can write about this later if it helps someone.

The thing with being in jail, it can be a terrible experience or it can be a life changing one.  I quickly saw an opportunity while I was there that I hadn't had ever before and that was the opportunity to work on myself 24 hours a day with little to no interruption.  I was lucky because my cellie liked sleeping in until 2 or so in the afternoon, so I had half the day to read, study, pray and write in my journal.  I used this time as much as I could to rebuild my testimony, and start my repentance process.

I plea with you from the bottom of my heart to stop now, seek help, and start fixing the hurt. Do it now, do it today, don't wait like I did, because it will be to late for you, and when you get to that point, guess what? The pain doesn't go away. Those in your life that you love with all your heart will continue to hurt and suffer from the affects of your secrets.
I love you, you are not alone. I pray that my messages here just might save one marriage, one family.

#sundaywillcome#support #love #hope #faithful#fightagainstporn #pornkillslove #porn#porndestroysfamilies #fightforlove #regret#imsorry

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